Shooting Stars: a personal account of miscarriage (Happy 5th Mirthday, Jaryn!)

There are no words to capture It's power, It's pull, It's obsession.  It touches the very deepest part of your soul and never goes away.  It stirs up such a range of emotions in you that at times you feel as if you'll go crazy.  And sometimes you DO go crazy. Men can't and won't ever understand It...not at any fault of their own but that misunderstanding drives a woman to tears, to anger, to resentfulness, and even in some cases, Divorce.  On the flip side, I've seen It do the exact opposite for some...going against all statistics It can actually bond a couple, making their love for each other all the deeper.  The progression usually looks like this: “It” turns into “If” turns into “Insecurity” turns into “Insistence”...TO BE A MOTHER.  And thus, it can consume.

“It” refers to the strongest Desire one can ever imagine.  It's a thirst that is never quenched.  If not handled the way God would desire of us, the “dehydration” in a woman's spirit can make her literally shrivel up and feel dead inside, sapping her of all she once was and the beauty that used to be.  I know this because I was almost there.  ALMOST.  Glory be to His Name alone.

Miscarriage &/or Infertility.  Two things I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.  The silent pain that a woman experiences sometimes feels as if there is no end in sight.   Many are left feeling isolated, cursed, shameful, guilty, angry and depressed.  I feel no shame in admitting that I have been on my own journey and the range of emotions that did accompany it.  But before I go any further, I do not, by any means, compare my story with anyone else's.  I look at where I was, and where God has brought me to now, and it is not taken for granted.  I didn't have to wait 10 years to have a child.  I didn't have to go through years and years of infertility treatments and spend thousands upon thousands of dollars.  I didn't have to suffer through multiple miscarriages, lose a 3 month old, have an adoption go wrong,  or lose my child to leukemia.  There are a billion stories of women who have faced far more difficulties than I ever have or ever will.  I know this.  Take this for what it is, thoughts from my heart on a topic that I feel many women struggle with internally...silently.
While I believe some details are left for a husband and wife, I will openly tell you that for years I wrestled with God and my all-encompassing desire to have a baby.  I had to work through resentfulness towards my best friend/husband.  I spent countless hours by my bedside, on my knees, face down in the carpet, begging and pleading for God to hear me.  He felt so silent to me.  Distant.  Uncaring.  (This would be a good time to remind you why we should not live by our FEELINGS.)  Did God hear me?  Of course He did.  Did God move “away” from me?  Nope.  Looking back, my obsession had become my Idol.  (Anything we desire MORE than God is an idol, so fill in your own blank)  My pain was so intense I didn't know up from down.  I was going through the motions but not really truly putting my faith into practice...at least not at first.  It took some time (and a few spiritual “spankings” to get me back on track.)  Little by little all my friends started having babies...and it hurt too bad to be around them.  Of course, none of them knew how much I was struggling.  I put on a good front but gradually would find myself naturally pushed out of  their lives anyway as they joined “the mom club”.  It took some time, but when I finally made peace with my situation, life was so much easier!  I guess it was just one of those life lessons that I had to learn the hard way but now that I've been through it, I'm so thankful I did.  Through the years, numerous people would ask us, "So when are you guys gonna have kids?"  For about 2 years I would stumble all over a proper response when what I really felt like doing was either hitting them in their face or crying my eyes out.  But one time in particular after being asked that question, I looked the person straight in the eyes and without hesitating said, "When God wills it."  I felt a freedom in that response.  I had not rehearsed it...it came straight from my heart and I MEANT it.

Jim took me to New Zealand in 2006.  Talk about the trip of a lifetime.  Christmas morning we slept in a little and then walked down to the shallow river where trout were abundant.  (This was also the same river where many Lord of the Rings scenes were shot.)  We were in a quaint little village nestled in the Southern Alps.  If you were to read my journal entry, it would describe the smell of pine, lavender, rain, and honey all wrapped up into the most pleasant experience for the senses.

 The river was wide and shallow, creating a constant “babble” of song.  The air was crisp but not uncomfortable.  What I love about my man is that while we love being together, we also are ok being alone.  And on this particular morning, Jim wanted to go flyfishing and I wanted to go for a jog on a narrow path that wound around the river bank.

 While on my jog, with no person in sight, I was talking to the Lord and I cannot even begin to tell you the feeling in my heart.  BAM! Like lightening, I was INSTANTLY down on my knees.  I was in His presence.  I could feel Him like a warm blanket, He was HUGGING me.  And there on the riverbank, I KNEW God was going to finally answer my prayers.  So certain I was of it, on our trip I bought a onesie that stated, “Made in New Zealand”.  And I was exactly right.

I miscarried on January 31st. 

Talk about a time in my life when I was in a dark place.  I think I was mostly confused.  The grief that took place shocked me.  I felt guilty and silly for not being able to get over it quicker.  It was hard to focus on work. (ask a co-worker buddy of mine who sat on the bathroom floor of the middle school I worked at and held me as I bawled in her lap.  I was a heaping mess!) I was mad at myself for not being able to “get over it”.  And right when I needed it, a very dear friend of mine at church turned to me and said, “I never have gotten over mine.  Never.  And it will hit you at the oddest of life's moments.”  Little did she know, God was speaking THROUGH her to give me PERMISSION to grieve in MY OWN WAY.  However that looked, God was not disappointed in me.  God was not waiting on me to get over it.  God was, is and is to come so He had all the time in the world to walk through my pain with me.  And I'm so comforted by this. 

This morning while I was brushing my teeth, I was praising the Lord and thinking about that morning 5 years ago...and as clear as day and as if His hand wrote on my mirrored wall I heard Him whisper to me, "Lazarus".  How had I not ever thought of that story before in relation to my grief until today?  Think about it!  Lazurus was DEAD and the Lord KNEW He was going to RAISE HIM BACK TO LIFE.  John 11:4 says, "...It will become an occasion to show God's glory by glorifying God's Son."  It was clear the entire chapter that was His plan all along, to raise Lazarus to life to give God glory.  But then, in 2 little words in verse 35, it says, "Jesus WEPT".  He allowed Himself to GRIEVE.  I doubt it was the kind of grief that brings a person to their knees or the kind where they can't eat for days.  While I do believe grief has different degree's of severity, grief is still grief.  And I'm so so SO glad those 2 words are in John 11. 
I don't know what I'll do on January 31st this year.  But whatever I do, I do.  And it's ok. The day of my miscarriage I opened up the Book of Psalms and read 2 verses that I literally CRIED (even a couple times SHOUTED) to God.  Psalms 73: 25-26:

25  Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

God healed me.  Oh praise His name forever!

Not long ago there was a perfectly clear starry night sky.  We live WAY outside city limits so the view from our front porch is breath taking.  So much so, I felt the urge to walk out into the middle of our huge field and really FEEL the vastness of His universe.  It felt like I was standing inside a snow-globe, but instead of snow, it was stars.  They were literally all around me and it seemed as if the sky were “bending” to keep me right smack-dab in the middle.  It was then that God brought to my mind the verse in Is 40 that says,

“Look at the night skies:
   Who do you think made all this?
Who marches this army of stars out each night,
   counts them off, calls each by name
—so magnificent! so powerful!—
   and never overlooks a single one” (MSG)

Which got me thinking...if each of these stars were like people, then He knows each of US by name too.  Young, Old, and anywhere in between...He knows ALL THREE OF MY BABIES by name.  And as if right on cue, a shooting star split across the night sky.  And I was humbled.  My baby whom I'll never hold this side of heaven, was my shooting star.  And while his/her life was extremely short, that baby lit up my night sky and made me gasp in sheer delight!  With my eyes twinkling from the stars above and my mouth wide open in sheer gratitude, I began to laugh.  A true, from the gut, tears in my eyes laugh.  And I thought...hmmm...”I'm so full of mirth today!” which made me laugh even more at my corny self.

Baby o'mine, throw your head back and laugh like you mean it!  Rejoice, for you are in the presence of our King!  I'm so thrilled for you.  Can you even imagine the laughing and crying that will take place when we meet for the first time???  Oh dear me.  The very thought of it...But until then, I'll continue to tell Jesus to give you an extra hug from your momma.  I know He does this for me and it brings a smile to my face picturing it.  He adores you more than I do.  Let loose today in your singing and be merry!

PS:  I know this is cheesy but hey, that's how mom's are, ok?  So...here's a little poem I sketched out just for you, dear one.  I love you to infinity...and beyond!

 

Poem from a Mother's Heart

Many, many years ago my heart felt a tug,

to have a baby of my own, a child I could hug.

I dreamed of you every day wondering when you'd arrive,

For at the very thought of you my soul would come alive.

I grew weary of waiting-my cheeks felt stained w/ tears,

But to God I just kept pleading but did it fall on His deaf ears?

I felt crazed, alone and angry; contentment was hard to find;

with all my friends having babies, I was feeling left behind.

But Baby, God was just teaching me, life lessons can sometimes be tough;

Before you came I had to learn: His Grace. Is. Enough.

It was when I found His peace that you chose to come along,

I thought my heart would soon explode, my lips burst forth in song.

I sang YOUR song, did a happy dance, permanent smile was on my face,

I basked in the beauty of who you were, made directly from God's grace.

Euphoric bliss, endless praise, I was on my own mountain top,

But then on 1 cold morning, it came to an abrupt stop.

Feeling confused but mostly numb I stared blankly at the wall,

And then I sobbed, I heaved, I yelled. From my mountain I did fall.

But then...It hit me.

Like a never-ending cascade of a nearby gentle stream,

His love flowed down straight from heaven and made my heart feel clean.

Although my pain seemed endless, my soul like dessert sand,

I chose to look to Jesus and to His arms I ran.

I would never CHOOSE to lose you, my love for you so deep,

But God ALLOWED His son to die and that thought made me weep.

Through your life I came to praise Him, shouting, “My child! You are Mine!”

Through your death I grasped His love for me and tasted Grace divine.

I named you 'Jaryn': in Hebrew means “HE WILL SING”;

So baby, rejoice w/ every fiber of being to our Savior King!

While others view your life as being short and sweet,

For me a day with the dream of you makes me worship at His feet.

Precious to Him you are dear One, But also precious to me.

I can't wait to snuggle you close and bounce you on my knee.

Until that day draws nigh, I know you're where you should be-

With mirth let's dance, let's laugh out loud for the King has set us both free!

HAPPY 5TH MIRTHDAY, JARYN! 

Love forever, Momma (and Daddy, Charlee and Sam Watson)

Back to the Basics: HOMEMADE Popcorn...fast, easy, AWESOME!

Oh the quandary!  How to make HOMEMADE BUTTER POPCORN without getting it soggy?  Ok, I admit.  I don't mind my popcorn oozing with butter and salt.    My husband on the other hand, can't stand it.  

We've desperately been trying to adapt a healthier lifestyle around our home for the past year and a half or so.  My hub's LOVES microwave popcorn.  I, personally, haven't touched the stuff in years.  I can count on 1 hand how many times my daughter has had any (she is almost 4) and my boy hasn't had any until tonight.

Last summer while garage sale-ing I came across a "Black & Decker Handy Pop 'N Serve".  It was listed for $1 and I thought, why not?  Let's give this thing a try.  All i can say is:  GO BUY ONE NOW! 

(sorry it's blurry)

This is how it works:  Measure out 1/4 cup of popcorn kernals, dump it in, flip switch to "ON", wait 4 mintues, popcorn done.  Ummm...I think this actually popped FASTER than microwave popcorn!  I have absolutely no clue if Black & Decker still makes this, but I DID happen to peek on Ebay and saw them listed for around $12. 

But...how to make my popcorn NOT get SOGGY?  Easy.

Place popped corn in large bowl.  measure out 1/4 cup of Olive Oil.  Pour half of it on top, toss, then pour the rest, toss.  POPCORN DOES NOT SOAK UP THE OIL.  The oil COATS the popcorn.

We like good ol' fashioned butter popcorn, so I cranked out some sea salt and then sprinkled on Butter Buds, found by the popcorn in the grocery store.  Butter Buds has all-natural ingredients w/ the exception of 1: maltodextrin.  If you ever see "Annato" listed as an ingredient, it is an orange-red dye obtained from the pulp of a tropical fruit, used for coloring foods and fabric.  (like cheddar cheese) 

This popcorn, in my opinion, tasted WAY better than microwave and I can eat it knowing I'm not going to completely clog every artery in my body or my entire intestinal tract.  I think it would taste fabulous to experiement w/ some fresh herbs, but for now, we'll just enjoy our yummy homemade butter popcorn.  By the way, both my kids LOVED it!

So next time you're at Grandma's and she still has that old popcorn popper, maybe she'll let you take it home with you. :)  Of course, you don't have to have a popper at all, just a stove.  But it sure was nice to have it done in 4 minutes.

Enjoy!

Happy FUNday: A Mother's Thoughts on How to make SUNday a FUNday

If getting my family out the door for church on Sunday was like the Willy Wonka Factory Contest, then I've got the Golden Ticket. I mean, I HATE to “toot my own horn” but hey, what can I say? I've got it DOWN. You probably are dying to know my secrets. Ok, ok...out of the kindness of my heart let me expand so that all of you can follow my lead and you, too, can get to church on time, and maybe even EARLY, every Sunday morning. In fact, I almost guarantee that after implementing the ideas below, you'll no longer call is SUNday. You'll call it FUNday.

1. Get your coffee ready the night before. Every Saturday night, I get my coffee all ready. Apparently my coffee pot has a timer on it, but I have no clue how to use and can think of at least 1 million things I'd rather do than read a coffee pot manual. But alas, look at me, being all “prepared” and “ahead of schedule”. (smug smile) Too bad this morning I forgot that I had already poured in the water last night and poured in MORE water this morning causing my pot to overflow all over my counter and kitchen floor making a huge giant mess. But I digress.
2. Lay out your clothes the night before. You see, this is VERY IMPORTANT to do, especially for those of us who have young kids. One can never be too organized. That's my motto, at least! Of course, today doesn't count. It's not MY fault that my son grabbed a bowl of yogurt and spilled it all over his Sunday clothes so I had to put new clothes on him. It's not MY fault that my daughter hugged my son when his clothes were drenched in yogurt causing me to have to put on a new outfit for her, too. Nor is it MY fault that when I sat down on a chair in my cream-colored pants that I sat down in a glop of ketchup from the meal the night before thus having to also change MY outfit. Nope. NOT. MY. FAULT.
3. Start the spirit of worship as soon as you wake up. This is KEY to starting your Sunday morning off RIGHT. Every now and then you may find yourself “slipping” into your old ways, but press on dear friends. Not everyone is perfect. For instance, this morning my husbands first words were, “CRAP! YOU STINKIN' SET THE ALARM FOR PM INSTEAD OF AM!” To which I Christianly replied, “What are you smokin'? YOU set the alarm last night, NOT ME!” We have this slightly unpleasant exchange as both of us are throwing the covers off and scrambling to get ready before our precious children wake up...only to find that 1 of them is standing in our doorway. With wet pants. And an entire wet bed which had to be completely stripped of all its blankets and sheets BEFORE church so they would be ready AFTER church for nap time.
4. Fix nutritious breakfast's and pack a lunch if necessary. Think ahead. How long will you be gone? For us, it's 3-4 hours every Sunday. So not only do I make sure my kids get a nutritious breakfast for their long morning, but I also pack lunches because they are always starving when we leave. (and we live 35 minutes away from our church) [Misty says to husband Jim as they drive to church: “Jim, thank you so much for feeding the kids while I got ready.” Jim: “I thought YOU fed the kids while I got ready.” Misty: “So the kids have had no breakfast?” Jim: “Nope.” Misty: “There. Casey's. Get some donuts.” Jim: “But we're already late for church.” Misty: (the “look”) Jim: sigh.]
5. Be Flexible. Believe it or not, even when you plan ahead and do everything right just as we do, SOMETIMES things don't always go as planned. For example, this morning, right after I had yelled, “EVERYONE. GET IN THE FLIPPIN CAR NOW!” I picked up my youngest only to realize he felt hot with fever. I grabbed a thermometer only to have my suspicions confirmed so he and I had to stay home. Never mind that I now had a splitting headache and hives from head to toe. Never mind that I had rushed around getting the entire family ready, made breakfast, packed lunches since we're always gone a good 3-4 hours, changed 3 outfits, packed the diaper bag, and stubbed my toe on the toy I told my daughter to pick up a million times this morning. You see, I just take it all in stride, with a smile on my face and Jesus in my heart. Cuz I own the “golden ticket” of Sunday's.
6. Pull together as a team. Mom/dad teamwork shows our children how harmony, rather then disarray, certainly can get us to church happier and in a worshipping mood. I was VERY disappointed when “someone I know” recently said to her husband, “Hunny, I got the diaper bag, the sippy cups, the packed lunches, winter coats for the entire family, the favorite blankets, my purse, your sunglasses, both of our cell phones and oh, here's your wallet...you left it on the counter. Thanks for grabbing our Bibles.” The husband looks blankly and doesn't respond. Wife says, “You DID get our Bibles right? I mean, that was the ONLY thing you had to remember to pack and we are GOING TO CHURCH where we learn and study GOD'S WORD.” Husband continues to stare blankly. Wife gives husband silent treatment the rest of the day.
7. Arrive early to prepare your heart. Always allow plenty of time to check the kids into the nursery and find yourself seats before the service starts. That way you and your spouse get the most out of the service. Oh...ummm...what? You saw us sitting in the lobby with both kids running around? Oh yes, well, (clears throat) that was because you see, we just happened to arrive a tad late today and since there was only 10 minutes left of the sermon we thought it pointless to take our kids to nursery since it takes 15 minutes to check them in, so uh...let's move on to the final point, shall we?
8. Make Saturday nights the START of your Sabbath and get to bed early. Forget the fact that our dryer broke a week ago and I couldn't see my bedroom floor from the piles of dirty clothes that needed to be washed but the part came in yesterday and my hub's finally got it up and running so now we can do 30 loads of laundry and stay up until wee hours of the morning getting it all sorted, folded and hung. Forget that fact that my son is teething and was up off and on the entire night. Forget the fact that my daughter is currently having night-terrors. Forget the fact that my dog woke me up at 3am needing to go outside to the bathroom. Forget the fact the I woke up at 4am needing to go the bathroom from drinking too much water while doing the laundry until 2am. But other than THAT, get plenty of rest.

See how easy it is! So the next time you find yourself a teensy bit cranky on a Sunday morning, maybe these words will ring in your heart and you'll think to yourself, “Yes! Thank you MISTY! I'll do things JUST LIKE HER!” Don't look at us with envy. We're people. Just like you.

Happy FUNday, The Terrell's

There Ain't No Fleas On Me...or Mice

Oh Dear.  I've done it again.  Let me back up.

Never one to shy away from "all natural" and "eco-friendly", (I think Americans are extremely wasteful, me included so trying to make small changes at a time) last year I was cleaning out our junk drawer and found these little packets of nicely scented burlap.  I had no clue where they came from or what they were for, but I could tell they were filled w/ cedar & eucalyptus.  not wanting to throw away something so delightful to my senses, I thought, "hey, why not toss these in w/ my undergarments to make them smell pretty?" So I did.  When my Hub's got home from work that night, I was telling him all about my day and said, "To top it all off, I found these AWESOME little bags that smell SO GOOD and put them in my dresser drawers."  He began to laugh hysterically. I looked at him quizzically and through his chuckles he told me that those "pretty smelling burlap bags" were actually an all-natural MOUSE REPELLENT he bought to put around our basement!  We STILL laugh about that to this day.

Fast forward to this morning.  I've had another...hmmm...'faux pas' for lack of better terminology.  I've been researching lots of different ways to recycle things we toss out on a daily basis.  For example, old/used coffee grinds.  I found a site that listed the endless possibilities and uses for these things.  1 idea that got me excited was, "put on your hair to make it shine".  So this morning as I showered, I took my old coffee grinds with me to exfoliate my skin and shine up my hair.  IT. WAS. A. TOTAL. MESS.  I WILL say, using it as an exfoliant was wonderful. My skin feels AWESOME.  But I'm STILL seeing coffee grinds fall out of my hair and it left it feeling thick and unmanageable.  Wondering if maybe I was supposed to mix it w/ something I got back online and realized what I did wrong.  I re-read it and this is what it actually says. "Use it on your DOGS hair to make it shine"...scroll down..."Can be used on your DOGS hair as a natural FLEA REPELLANT."  So, all you jealous peeps out there...THERE AIN'T NO FLEAS ON ME!  I bet YOU can't say that today!