Shooting Stars: a personal account of miscarriage (Happy 5th Mirthday, Jaryn!)

There are no words to capture It's power, It's pull, It's obsession.  It touches the very deepest part of your soul and never goes away.  It stirs up such a range of emotions in you that at times you feel as if you'll go crazy.  And sometimes you DO go crazy. Men can't and won't ever understand It...not at any fault of their own but that misunderstanding drives a woman to tears, to anger, to resentfulness, and even in some cases, Divorce.  On the flip side, I've seen It do the exact opposite for some...going against all statistics It can actually bond a couple, making their love for each other all the deeper.  The progression usually looks like this: “It” turns into “If” turns into “Insecurity” turns into “Insistence”...TO BE A MOTHER.  And thus, it can consume.

“It” refers to the strongest Desire one can ever imagine.  It's a thirst that is never quenched.  If not handled the way God would desire of us, the “dehydration” in a woman's spirit can make her literally shrivel up and feel dead inside, sapping her of all she once was and the beauty that used to be.  I know this because I was almost there.  ALMOST.  Glory be to His Name alone.

Miscarriage &/or Infertility.  Two things I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.  The silent pain that a woman experiences sometimes feels as if there is no end in sight.   Many are left feeling isolated, cursed, shameful, guilty, angry and depressed.  I feel no shame in admitting that I have been on my own journey and the range of emotions that did accompany it.  But before I go any further, I do not, by any means, compare my story with anyone else's.  I look at where I was, and where God has brought me to now, and it is not taken for granted.  I didn't have to wait 10 years to have a child.  I didn't have to go through years and years of infertility treatments and spend thousands upon thousands of dollars.  I didn't have to suffer through multiple miscarriages, lose a 3 month old, have an adoption go wrong,  or lose my child to leukemia.  There are a billion stories of women who have faced far more difficulties than I ever have or ever will.  I know this.  Take this for what it is, thoughts from my heart on a topic that I feel many women struggle with internally...silently.
While I believe some details are left for a husband and wife, I will openly tell you that for years I wrestled with God and my all-encompassing desire to have a baby.  I had to work through resentfulness towards my best friend/husband.  I spent countless hours by my bedside, on my knees, face down in the carpet, begging and pleading for God to hear me.  He felt so silent to me.  Distant.  Uncaring.  (This would be a good time to remind you why we should not live by our FEELINGS.)  Did God hear me?  Of course He did.  Did God move “away” from me?  Nope.  Looking back, my obsession had become my Idol.  (Anything we desire MORE than God is an idol, so fill in your own blank)  My pain was so intense I didn't know up from down.  I was going through the motions but not really truly putting my faith into practice...at least not at first.  It took some time (and a few spiritual “spankings” to get me back on track.)  Little by little all my friends started having babies...and it hurt too bad to be around them.  Of course, none of them knew how much I was struggling.  I put on a good front but gradually would find myself naturally pushed out of  their lives anyway as they joined “the mom club”.  It took some time, but when I finally made peace with my situation, life was so much easier!  I guess it was just one of those life lessons that I had to learn the hard way but now that I've been through it, I'm so thankful I did.  Through the years, numerous people would ask us, "So when are you guys gonna have kids?"  For about 2 years I would stumble all over a proper response when what I really felt like doing was either hitting them in their face or crying my eyes out.  But one time in particular after being asked that question, I looked the person straight in the eyes and without hesitating said, "When God wills it."  I felt a freedom in that response.  I had not rehearsed it...it came straight from my heart and I MEANT it.

Jim took me to New Zealand in 2006.  Talk about the trip of a lifetime.  Christmas morning we slept in a little and then walked down to the shallow river where trout were abundant.  (This was also the same river where many Lord of the Rings scenes were shot.)  We were in a quaint little village nestled in the Southern Alps.  If you were to read my journal entry, it would describe the smell of pine, lavender, rain, and honey all wrapped up into the most pleasant experience for the senses.

 The river was wide and shallow, creating a constant “babble” of song.  The air was crisp but not uncomfortable.  What I love about my man is that while we love being together, we also are ok being alone.  And on this particular morning, Jim wanted to go flyfishing and I wanted to go for a jog on a narrow path that wound around the river bank.

 While on my jog, with no person in sight, I was talking to the Lord and I cannot even begin to tell you the feeling in my heart.  BAM! Like lightening, I was INSTANTLY down on my knees.  I was in His presence.  I could feel Him like a warm blanket, He was HUGGING me.  And there on the riverbank, I KNEW God was going to finally answer my prayers.  So certain I was of it, on our trip I bought a onesie that stated, “Made in New Zealand”.  And I was exactly right.

I miscarried on January 31st. 

Talk about a time in my life when I was in a dark place.  I think I was mostly confused.  The grief that took place shocked me.  I felt guilty and silly for not being able to get over it quicker.  It was hard to focus on work. (ask a co-worker buddy of mine who sat on the bathroom floor of the middle school I worked at and held me as I bawled in her lap.  I was a heaping mess!) I was mad at myself for not being able to “get over it”.  And right when I needed it, a very dear friend of mine at church turned to me and said, “I never have gotten over mine.  Never.  And it will hit you at the oddest of life's moments.”  Little did she know, God was speaking THROUGH her to give me PERMISSION to grieve in MY OWN WAY.  However that looked, God was not disappointed in me.  God was not waiting on me to get over it.  God was, is and is to come so He had all the time in the world to walk through my pain with me.  And I'm so comforted by this. 

This morning while I was brushing my teeth, I was praising the Lord and thinking about that morning 5 years ago...and as clear as day and as if His hand wrote on my mirrored wall I heard Him whisper to me, "Lazarus".  How had I not ever thought of that story before in relation to my grief until today?  Think about it!  Lazurus was DEAD and the Lord KNEW He was going to RAISE HIM BACK TO LIFE.  John 11:4 says, "...It will become an occasion to show God's glory by glorifying God's Son."  It was clear the entire chapter that was His plan all along, to raise Lazarus to life to give God glory.  But then, in 2 little words in verse 35, it says, "Jesus WEPT".  He allowed Himself to GRIEVE.  I doubt it was the kind of grief that brings a person to their knees or the kind where they can't eat for days.  While I do believe grief has different degree's of severity, grief is still grief.  And I'm so so SO glad those 2 words are in John 11. 
I don't know what I'll do on January 31st this year.  But whatever I do, I do.  And it's ok. The day of my miscarriage I opened up the Book of Psalms and read 2 verses that I literally CRIED (even a couple times SHOUTED) to God.  Psalms 73: 25-26:

25  Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

God healed me.  Oh praise His name forever!

Not long ago there was a perfectly clear starry night sky.  We live WAY outside city limits so the view from our front porch is breath taking.  So much so, I felt the urge to walk out into the middle of our huge field and really FEEL the vastness of His universe.  It felt like I was standing inside a snow-globe, but instead of snow, it was stars.  They were literally all around me and it seemed as if the sky were “bending” to keep me right smack-dab in the middle.  It was then that God brought to my mind the verse in Is 40 that says,

“Look at the night skies:
   Who do you think made all this?
Who marches this army of stars out each night,
   counts them off, calls each by name
—so magnificent! so powerful!—
   and never overlooks a single one” (MSG)

Which got me thinking...if each of these stars were like people, then He knows each of US by name too.  Young, Old, and anywhere in between...He knows ALL THREE OF MY BABIES by name.  And as if right on cue, a shooting star split across the night sky.  And I was humbled.  My baby whom I'll never hold this side of heaven, was my shooting star.  And while his/her life was extremely short, that baby lit up my night sky and made me gasp in sheer delight!  With my eyes twinkling from the stars above and my mouth wide open in sheer gratitude, I began to laugh.  A true, from the gut, tears in my eyes laugh.  And I thought...hmmm...”I'm so full of mirth today!” which made me laugh even more at my corny self.

Baby o'mine, throw your head back and laugh like you mean it!  Rejoice, for you are in the presence of our King!  I'm so thrilled for you.  Can you even imagine the laughing and crying that will take place when we meet for the first time???  Oh dear me.  The very thought of it...But until then, I'll continue to tell Jesus to give you an extra hug from your momma.  I know He does this for me and it brings a smile to my face picturing it.  He adores you more than I do.  Let loose today in your singing and be merry!

PS:  I know this is cheesy but hey, that's how mom's are, ok?  So...here's a little poem I sketched out just for you, dear one.  I love you to infinity...and beyond!

 

Poem from a Mother's Heart

Many, many years ago my heart felt a tug,

to have a baby of my own, a child I could hug.

I dreamed of you every day wondering when you'd arrive,

For at the very thought of you my soul would come alive.

I grew weary of waiting-my cheeks felt stained w/ tears,

But to God I just kept pleading but did it fall on His deaf ears?

I felt crazed, alone and angry; contentment was hard to find;

with all my friends having babies, I was feeling left behind.

But Baby, God was just teaching me, life lessons can sometimes be tough;

Before you came I had to learn: His Grace. Is. Enough.

It was when I found His peace that you chose to come along,

I thought my heart would soon explode, my lips burst forth in song.

I sang YOUR song, did a happy dance, permanent smile was on my face,

I basked in the beauty of who you were, made directly from God's grace.

Euphoric bliss, endless praise, I was on my own mountain top,

But then on 1 cold morning, it came to an abrupt stop.

Feeling confused but mostly numb I stared blankly at the wall,

And then I sobbed, I heaved, I yelled. From my mountain I did fall.

But then...It hit me.

Like a never-ending cascade of a nearby gentle stream,

His love flowed down straight from heaven and made my heart feel clean.

Although my pain seemed endless, my soul like dessert sand,

I chose to look to Jesus and to His arms I ran.

I would never CHOOSE to lose you, my love for you so deep,

But God ALLOWED His son to die and that thought made me weep.

Through your life I came to praise Him, shouting, “My child! You are Mine!”

Through your death I grasped His love for me and tasted Grace divine.

I named you 'Jaryn': in Hebrew means “HE WILL SING”;

So baby, rejoice w/ every fiber of being to our Savior King!

While others view your life as being short and sweet,

For me a day with the dream of you makes me worship at His feet.

Precious to Him you are dear One, But also precious to me.

I can't wait to snuggle you close and bounce you on my knee.

Until that day draws nigh, I know you're where you should be-

With mirth let's dance, let's laugh out loud for the King has set us both free!

HAPPY 5TH MIRTHDAY, JARYN! 

Love forever, Momma (and Daddy, Charlee and Sam Watson)